Procrastinating Perfectionist

I know they sound contradictory, but they aren’t really. And it is what I am. I’ve written at least a dozen blog entries in my head (good ones too, but you’ll have to take my word on that) over the past few weeks. But alas I’m also as big as a house. Well OK probably not but I feel like it. And it is very difficult for me to sit at the computer (not a laptop) for more than 10 minutes without getting uncomfortable. And nesting… I’ve been doing a lot of nesting which apparently for me does not entail keeping my blog up to date despite many things to write about.

So back to my being a procrastinating perfectionist, first, I’m kind of a perfectionist. I’ve got the mindset of if you aren’t going to do it really well, don’t bother. Unfortunately quite often I feel like whatever I do is a reflection of me. So when I do something I really want to do it right… not half-assed. I hate half-assed. (And one of my flaws is that I have a hard time realizing that others are OK with half-assed). So because of this I sometimes end up wanting to do things, even starting things in my mind but not actually doing them because at that moment I just don’t have the time or energy to make them perfect… like they HAVE to be. So I procrastinate but then it only gets worse. I mean really to make the perfect blog entry at this point it would have to cover a lot of important stuff and at great length too! So then I procrastinate more. So I realized to get started blogging again I just needed to write about what has kept me from writing –the procrastinating perfectionist that I am. And swallow my perfectionistic pride and do a quick (ha-ha) highlight of some of the things going on. Excuse the lack of transitions… this isn’t going to be perfect.

Sleepover - Jack had his 1st sleepover without daddy or mommy! He stayed at grandmas and grandpas from Saturday morning to Sunday morning while John and I jetted off for a glamorous… Refresher Birth and Delivery course and a nice evening together. They took Jack to a farm where apparently Oscar the pig tried to eat his coat but grandpa saved him. They had a great time. It’s nice to know it went so smoothly in case they need to take him for a couple of days if I deliver early.

Ugliest Disease- Yeah, I know nice transition. One of the other blog entries I had written in my head was not fun and light. It is about the ugliest disease I know, that I’ve ever witnessed from a variety of angles. Alcoholism or Addiction. It steals so much. Not only the life of the addict but of those that love them, those that live in that awful conflict of recognizing it as a disease and yet an eventual choice… I have an extensive blog entry in my heart about this, one that will come out at some point. Heck I’ve got a whole book I want to write. But for now I just mention my cousin Joe H., whom I’m not all that close to, but is victim of, a participant with, this ugly disease called alcoholism to such a physically ravaging degree. Sometimes addiction ravages trust and relationships only for a while but with such an acute level of deception that it destroys so much unseen, so much under the surface beyond just the individual in the grips of addiction. Other times, it physically destroys the individual, like my cousin Joe. He’s had periods of sobriety over the last few years but now when he drinks he pukes blood within days. His skin turns yellow, his body shuts down. Currently, he is in the hospital with massive blood clots on both his legs and his lungs. He was put in a coma for a while to attempt to treat him. It seems likely that he has suffered a stroke. Obviously his prognosis is not good. He is in his mid 40’s and will likely die. There are many disease that kill, that cause great suffering, addiction is just one of the ugliest ones I’ve known personally. It affects so much that surrounds it. It is a disease, and yet it is a disease the people have a choice in, yet they don’t, and yet they do. That’s part of the ugly I think. Your prayers and thoughts for Joe and his family are appreciated.

Remodeling – (Yeah seriously there is no good way to transition here…) Our dining room remodel is done! It included the removal of a wall that separated it from the kitchen and the rest of the house, a small addition, ½ wall to create a mud room and a patio doors. We love it! I’m so glad we had it done. I’m even more glad that we decided to do just the dining room for now, as the original plan was to do the dining room and the kitchen. They’d still be here working on it if we had gone forward with that version and I’d be a crazy pregnant woman without a kitchen. Hopefully in a year we will be able to think about doing the kitchen as well…and even a bigger hope is that my ancient AWFUL electric cook top and stove don’t die in the mean time. The next blog entry I need to do (no promises though) is to upload some pictures of the before and after. Then again if baby Joey arrives before that, clearly he should get top billing before the remodel job. Speaking of which (oh a transition!)...

Baby Joey and Pregnancy- 14 more days till baby Joey arrives!... or less!? I’m 37 weeks today and have an induction planned for June 1st -2 weeks from today. Last Tuesday I was 1.5 cm dilated and my platelet count had surprisingly gone up to 107 from 105 when it normally goes down at this point in pregnancy. We’ll continue to test it weekly since I’m close to the mark (100) where they won’t allow you an epidural.

Otherwise, like I said I’m a nesting fool these days. Seriously why can’t they figure out how to manufacture this nesting instinct so I could use it at other times when I need to get a bunch of stuff done?! Then again I do love a deadline. With nesting it is hard to not overdue it at this point in pregnancy. For me I have a ton of energy one day and run around like a mad woman getting stuff done and then am wiped out the next day. Which is OK, since then I usually stop and recuperate. Sunday was more a recuperating day (though still entailed a walk with the boys to our favorite creek and a trip to BRU) because something has changed. I’m pretty sure I’d already dropped but I think baby Joey has really engaged his head down into my pelvis. I stood a lot Saturday (busy day cooking with friends) and when I woke up Sunday I swear the kid is a few inches lower and ½ hanging out of me. You previously pregnant women know what I’m talking about. Something has definitely changed –now when I have a contraction it’s more painful and I feel like they kid’s shoulders are pushed up against my pelvis! Or when he moves (which he does in the most hyper frenetic way) I swear he’s going to poke his way out.

Ah… the last few weeks of pregnancy. There really is no physical torture like it –at least none that I’ve experienced. Then again, this will be my last time experiencing pregnancy and this stage of torture so thinking about it ending makes me kind of sad. I’m not one that has easy pregnancies, not horrible, but not comfortable that’s for sure. But I really have tried to enjoy it and appreciate it more knowing it’s my last. I hope to take the same mindset and apply it to all the struggles of dealing with an infant (not the stage of parenting that comes natural to me!) I’ll miss the little maniac going crazy in my belly. I can’t wait to see what he’s like outside of the womb!

And for a great but brief (yes, I know what that is, just can’t do it myself) little sentiment on this matter specifically see http://heathertyfeatherty.blogspot.com/2009/05/16-days.html - a dear friend of mine’s blog. Her blog is hugely entertaining, full of wonderful crafty things and a great honesty so add it to your favorites when you are done. I stalk it every day to get my Heatherty Featherty fix.

A Little Person - oh yeah one more thing.... my little boy is a real person! Recently I've just been loving the time I spend with him. I know, I know I sound awful saying that, like I didn't love the time I spent with him before or that he wasn't a person before... But now it's like spending time with a little person, one who I can visit with at meals, that tells me how he feels, what he's thinking about and what he likes. And not just in grunting screaming toddler ways, but in sweet beautiful insightful 3 year old ways. I'm feeling the benefits (rather than just the challenges) of having an emotional and emotionally expressive child. I LOVE IT! More on this later I'm sure.

I’m sure there is more to write about (heck I just went back in and added the Little Person part). But this is good enough (deep breath) for now. Hope to write more soon and not just in my head this time!

Oh the things they say

Sometimes the best things they say are things you over hear them say to someone else... you are allowed to laugh a little more and not required to hide your expression as much!

Daddy was just giving Jack a bath. He'd asked Jack to roll over on his tummy and swim so he could clean Jack's butt.
After some scrubbing and then splashing from Jack rolling back over and sitting up on his knees I hear -
Jack, in a mildly distressed voice: It's bigger daddy?! It's bigger?! Make it small again!
Daddy: Oh, well... it's OK they do that sometimes...
Jack, more distressed: Make it small again, make it small again! It's bigger?!
Daddy: It's OK hunny they do that sometimes... just think of... well something like baseball or grandma.
Mommy: Stifled laughter from the other room (not an easy thing to do 8 months pregnant).

Need I say anything more?

Hmm.... I'll have to do a post on this specific topic/ theme. There have been a few interesting quotes from the past that must be shared and recorded for future blackmail. Hey, he's a boy right? And we are having another one soon... we better just get use to it!

Telling Stories

Jack is really into telling stories these days. Well, it is more like verbally and physically (with lots of props of course) re-enacting various movies. You can hear various lines from the movies, be informed of where he is at in the story, and get in big trouble if you disrupt the props as they are in play in the story. Oh and also be told "no mommy, not yet, I need to finish my story 1st!" It's so cute to see his imagination at play... (hmm speaking of which we didn't have a lion toy so he used a yellow block instead, per daddy's suggestion. I actually found a little bath tub cut out lion a couple days later and suggested he use that. He was quite disturbed at the possibility of 2 lions and that "no mommy this (holding said yellow block in my face) THIS is the lion." Did I mention that he's imaginative and yet quite set in his ways?)

Anyway, story time has been in full force lately. It's great because he'll just get caught up in it, no tv, and no interaction generally needed from adults. Well today I overheard the full version of the CARS movie... seriously he went on for 45 minutes doing his story, moving his props around, etc. And then Nemo... (glad he skips over that 1st scene, which last week when we watched the movie he did ask "Mommy what happened to that other fish? The mommy fish?") Anyway we had school today but the WHOLE time we were home he seriously just did stories... no tv all day! He did check in with me at one point to confirm a few lines from the Cars movie, LOL, but other than that he was caught up in his story world. LOVE IT! What a great day!

Hmm... well I think I'll also add a couple more things that happened today just to keep the record straight. Today I was told by Jack "No not your way, my way!" With his arms folded emphatically across his chest. (Not sure where he heard that from, honestly... though there have been a few other things said lately that sound familiar. Twice this week I've heard my lecture to him about "listening" spouted back at daddy later in the evening. I'm not sure who got a worse tongue lashing, Jack (in the AM by mommy) or daddy (in the PM) by Jackie. Either way it made me giggle in the kitchen when I heard daddy gettin' it...). And back to today, there was also a bit of a crying fit at the lunch table and as we were leaving the park (of course). But other than that... a really nice day. Oh and now... he's napping! YAY! A nap for the 1st time in over 5 days! I think Baby Joey and I will go join him.

What's in mommy's tummy?

It's so cute when you ask Jack this question he says in a really excited voice "A baby!"
It's so hard to know how much a little guy (just 3 years old last month) understands about things like this. We talk about it a fair amount though. I explain that the baby needs to stay in mommy's tummy till he gets big enough to come live with us. We talk a little bit (OK well I talk, Jack listens) about what it will be like when the baby comes and what we can eventually do with the baby. Oh and he got this one on his own from observation....
Mommy: "So Jack, what do babies do?"
Jack: "Cwry."

I've wondered how much he gets or thinks about the baby coming. He has said a few surprising things that make me realize he is actually excited about the baby coming -or at least he has moments of excitement. I thought it best that I record a few of these.

The 1st one was a few months ago. Jack had been sick for a few days and we were very stuck at home in lovely the Minnesota winter. I'd purchased a new kid's movie one night so we'd have something new to watch together. That next morning when he woke up I went into his bedroom and said "Guess what Jackie? I have a surprise for you!"
Jack's response was "OH mommy, did the baby come!"
Oh it just melted my heart that in his mind the baby coming was a surprise to be excited about. And that it was what he thought of first.

Another one happened just a couple weeks ago, shortly after his 3rd birthday. Jack and I were driving back from visiting grandma and grandpa in South Dakota. I think we were just leaving McDonalds and I wanted to get his next dvd going before I safely got on the road. But something distracted him and he said "J for Jack mommy!"
I replied "Yes Jack, that's right - J- A- C- K! Jack!"
Then he asked me to spell Mommy, so I did, then Daddy, Grandma, and Grandpa. His interest level was impressive. So when we finished with those I said "OK hunny are you ready for a dvd?" (not wanting to drive into the Minnesota river while changing dvds in the player).
And he said "No Mommy! We have one more person!.... You forgot to spell BABY!"
Awww..... he thought of the baby as part of the family! Oh I love this age.

And then a small one this morning. It took us a while to come up with a name for this baby (Joey) but have been recently using it some... saying baby Joey. Previously we had asked Jack if we should name the baby Joey (or what we should name the baby) and he had said NO! And didn't really have any suggestions and in his usual way seemed irritated by the suggestions (sounds more like daddy here!) So the past couple of weeks we'd just been referring to the baby as baby Joey sometimes (but not all the time). Well this morning he and I were talking about when the baby comes (OK I was talking about it, Jack was maybe listening). I was saying something about all the baby, apparently too many words, and he misunderstood what I said (surprise!). Well he said "No mommy, he's named Baby Joey!" Awww... well I guess he's picked up on us calling the baby Baby Joey! Too cute!

Part of me gets excited about this stuff because Jack hasn't always been a big talker, so it's fun to see him so expressive and talkative about stuff (well, for him. And in all honesty the other day when I was getting sassed at repeatedly, I dreamed of the old days that he didn't talk!)

But really I get excited about this stuff because I hope that in some small way it prepares him for the baby actually coming... or he anticipates the big event a bit. I mean his world is going to be totally turned upside down. Of course we all know he has know idea what's coming! And in reality, me taking care of a newborn and an intense 3 year old who's use to having most of my attention, I haven't a clue what's coming either! What I do know is that our lives, yet again, will never be the same.... and I'm so thankful for that.

Jackie 2 years ago...

Last night in his big boy bed...

Hector Kitty

Here is a picture of Hector, my kitty who recently passed away. He's giving some love to an elephant. A friend recently remind me that for a while I called him a cat dog because his personality was definitely not all cat. He was much more easy going, less self absorbed and self righteous than most cats. He didn't outright beg but he sure had the persistence of many begging dogs. He was quite silly, very sweet, and, well honestly a bit dense. When he was young he did many dorky silly "un-cat like" things. So in honor of Hector, I'll share a few stories...

He once was sitting in an the sill of an open window, probably watching a bird. Suddenly something startled him and he jumped... high enough to bang his head hard on the top of the window sill. Freaked out he went streaking from the room and ran right into my other cat... which only freaked him out further. My other cat (110% princess cat) just looked at him in disgust.... she practically shook her head and said "Hector you are a disgrace to the feline race!"

Another time he and my other kitty were chasing each other around the apartment. They both skidded to a stop right by me. My other kitty had slightly bumped a broom that was standing up against the wall, which Hector was just around the corner from. She and I both watched as the broom slooowly slid off the corner wall (while Hector intently watched us). The broom had been bumped perfectly so that the top of its handle landed smack on top of Hector's head causing him to jump 3 feet in the air -in that way only young agile cats can! He didn't even see it coming.

When I and my boyfriend at the time had decided to get Hector we were in the middle of moving so we bought him at the pet store but left him there for a couple weeks until he could be brought home (wow, OK that was almost 16 years ago!) I'd go visit Hector from time to time at the pet store. One time I stopped by he was in the kennel with a new batch of kittens. He had one of them cornered... not viciously, oh no, not my Hector kitty. He was desperately trying to bat a little fluffy ball to the cornered kitty. His efforts were only mildly successful and just managed to freak both of them out. Each time he'd try to pass the ball to the kitten s/he would hiss, causing Hector to jump up and hiss in that grunty way kittens do. This went on for quite some time. He was special.

Oh and a video! I'll attempt to attach a little 1 and a 1/2 minute video of Jack "chasing" Hector when he was 1st learning to walk with a push car. At first I felt bad that Hector was being "chased" but after a while it was clear that it was a fun game for him. As I said previously I feel bad about how his role in the family changed so much after Jack was born. We just didn't have much left to give Hector at the end of the day. But my Hector kitty, he was definitely still part of the family.

I no longer have the video but just a link to it on Photobucket so hopefully this will work. You might have to cut and paste it..... OK I'll have to try to get this to work later!

Oh the things they say

I've got to write this down somewhere, I mean this is part of why I started a blog. All these funny wonderful things 3 year olds say you think you will remember forever but don't. Hmmm that gives me an idea for a regular blog entry... ya know something to actually get me blogging on a regular basis.

This one was with daddy when he and Jack went to McDonalds.
They arrived and were standing in line - Jack had already been over to visit the toy display. While they were in line Jack kept saying to daddy "Pirate daddy, I see a pirate." Daddy says, no Jack there's no pirate in the toy display (or, well actually it is more like daddy to just ignore Jack's random commentary.)
Fast forward about 5-10 minutes later... Jack and daddy are sitting and eating and daddy sees a man with a black eye patch walk by. Uh oh! Daddy figures this "pirate" was standing in line behind them and that is what Jack was trying to explain to daddy!

Sarcasm

My husband's sense of humor is filled with sarcasm. I don't mind it, I've gotten use to it, heck I've come to expect it and enjoy it sometimes. It's usually not nasty sarcasm so it's OK. I mention this so that you know that I am quite familiar with sarcasm and can recognize it a mile away.

Well, apparently my blog life has a mind of its own... and it's sarcastic. I mean one day I create a blog called "Loving the Simple Life" and the next day all heck breaks loose! Sarcastic -or maybe it's more ironic... anyway. I mean still in the grand scheme of things and some of the things I've seen and lived with in my life, this "heck" that broke loose wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad overall because I still had one of the corner stones of my "simple life" well in place supporting me - a loving stable (though sarcastic) husband. I've had the opposite kind of "support" in my life before and, well, it not only makes for not-so-fun complexities in seemingly simple everyday life activities, it also makes going through "heck" 10 times worse.

So I do love my simple life but in reality life still happens and often times it ain't so simple. I'm not a pessimist but I am human and sometimes it is hard not to worry and wonder about "what could go wrong." I see dear friends put through trials that when we were younger just happened "to other people." Having been through trials myself, I know these have a place in our lives and really do make us stronger... eventually. But when we are in them? In the worst most ugly part of them? The why and even the how of survival is inconceivable... and feels unacceptable. And for people who see their loved ones go through such trials, it also feels unacceptable. This "stuff", whatever it is, happens to "other" people, like people on TV, etc. but not to us. But it does happen... and it hurts.

Wow tangent! Anyway, I guess that's what blog journaling is sometimes- yes I love my simple life but overall life is not so simple all the time. I mean all the great planning and "perfect" decisions in the world sometimes still don't end up how we hoped. To quote my deceased, dirty Irish grandpa Jack "Once you think you get things figured out, God's going to change it on you anyway." I think having a great foundation -family, faith, and friends - is what helps us endure and hopefully, eventually prosper. I know it makes the world of difference for me. Sometimes I'm not so great at tapping into those resources in my life, but eventually I remember that they are there and figure out I can't do all this on my own without them.

So maybe that's enough philosophizing for now (you hope so don't you!?)... I mean I don't want to scare you off just after 2 posts. So here's a highlight of the past few weeks -

• Lots of excessive unnecessary planning for my son's 3rd birthday and the 3 very small celebrations that went with it.
• My dear sweet, but often neglected-after-Jack-arrived, Hector kitty fell very ill. After a couple days and over 10 hours of multiple vet and emergency animal hospital visits, most of which happened late at night, we made the decision to put sweet silly Hector to sleep. He was seriously the most kind, gentle and yes simple cat a family could have had. Over the past 3 years there were several times that Jack probably deserved a nasty scratch or nip from Hector, but he never once fought back against Jack's over enthusiasm about, well, everything. He was 16 years old so deciding to let Hector go wasn't so hard, but feeling guilty about not taking him in to the vet sooner or being more attentive to him over the past 3 years is often times heavy on my heart. Miss you Hector kitty!
• Construction on our dining room remodel started -Jack and I went out of town for the 1st week of demolition. Of course all the Hector stuff happened leading up to this and then Jack got sick. I was spent beyond belief with late night pet hospital visits and lack of sleep worrying about Hector. But we trudged off to my parents house in South Dakota and we were both well taken care of. Jack had tons of fun with Grandma while I caught up on sleep. The 2nd trimester "honeymoon" is definitely over and has been replaced with 3rd trimester aches, pains and exhaustion. Anyway we had a wonderful time as usual at Grandma and Grandpa's house.
• Oh yeah and I lost weight. I mean normally this is a great thing, something I'd been working on doing for a few years. But I suppose when you are pregnant it is not such a good thing - well, not good to loose a pound a week for 2 weeks in a row. Before that I had been gaining at a slow but steady acceptable rate for pregnancy. Hopefully it was just the stress of everything going on and will not continue -well at least not right now :) I already can't eat huge meals so eating in between meals is important. I do believe that I gained 3 lbs during the 4 days I was visiting my parents so I think I'll be OK!
• And Jack turned 3. As a lot of my friends have attested to, some sort of switch is turned when your child turns 3 and they go a bit crazy. And apparently not just for a while, but for most of the year from age 3 to 4. Extra tantrums, bossiness, etc. -Jack's has mostly manifested itself in the form of crying sessions. They last anywhere between 10 minutes and 45 minutes and you can't rush them...."my still to sad mommy". They are the most fun when they happen as we are trying to get ready for preschool in the morning. Oh yeah -or when we planned a nice birthday dinner. Some friends say their previously "easy" child is now a nightmare. We've had a head start here I think, so it's been rough but, honestly, some things have been rough for a while with my emotional, overly physical, little guy!
• Oh oh I thought of one more - Jackie is in his "new" bedroom (previously just his playroom) sleeping in his big boy bed! So far the transition has gone seamlessly. I expect there will be issues once he gets brave enough to get out of his BIG big boy bed on his own when he wakes up or in the middle of the night (it is kind of a big bed... he needs a step stool to climb into it!) John and I put a lot of work into making his "new" bedroom special (painting, fun wallies boarder that matches his bedspread, new bed, etc.)

Well that's the majority of what has gone on since I disappeared from my blog. I guess I might end up being "one of those" bloggers that only updates every few weeks. We'll see :) I think no matter what for a blog takes, it still has value. I'll try to add some pictures later (hopefully not 2 weeks later). Looking at the list, obviously the heck that broke loose here wasn't that bad other than poor Hector and all those dr. visits. Everything just happened at once, which is overwhelming especially to a 7 month prego like me.

Speaking of which... OMG I'm going to have another baby in just 2 months! I mean probably more like in 8 weeks! I'm feeling quite excited and sentimental about it (last pregnancy/ baby and all) and nervous mostly just about the transition for Jack and what that means for all of us. I better go organize some stuff or at least makes some lists... it makes life feel more simple and in control. Then again, a good nap can have the same affect sometimes too.